Our son Spencer was born through gestational international surrogacy in the USA. This was after a six-year infertility journey. Due to my thin endometrium lining, we had several failed, and cancelled, IVF transfers and three pregnancy losses.

It was our second fertility specialist in Australia who told us that surrogacy was our best chance of having a baby. And while surrogacy was an amazing and life changing experience for us, when we were first told about surrogacy, I was overwhelmed. I had never met a surrogate or anyone who had had children through surrogacy, and I didn’t know what to expect. 

It was a feeling that was short-lived. When we first skyped with our beautiful surrogate Leigha, we were put at ease right away. Within minutes, it felt like a chat with an old friend. We formed an immediate bond with Leigha and her husband Josh. If you’d like to know more, you can read about my full surrogacy journey. Today I want to share some of the ways we built and nurtured our relationship.

Setting expectations

The first time we met, via Skype, we talked openly about the kind of relationship we wanted. We all agreed we wanted a friendship and long-lasting relationship. For some people though, they chose to not have a relationship after the birth. While I think it’s more common to have one, especially with USA surrogacy, it’s important to make sure you’re all on the same page before you get started. Five years on, we continue to have a special and beautiful relationship with Leigha and her family. 

Communication

The first time we spoke, we also talked about our expectations with communication. Fortunately, Leigha is an excellent communicator and so not a single day went by, without her sending me updates through WhatsApp or Macro Polo (videos). Communication was particularly important to us given we were doing international surrogacy (it’s a long way from Australia to USA!). We also agreed to Skype all the appointments and scans. This gave us reassurance and comfort and we felt very much involved with the pregnancy.   

Building a bond with our son during pregnancy

Early on, Leigha had a wonderful suggestion. She asked us to record an audio of ourselves reading a children’s story. She then played it to her pregnant belly, every day, so that Spencer would be familiar with our voices while in the womb. A simple yet very meaningful idea. 

The birth

Another important thing to discuss is the birth and everyone’s expectations. We agreed we would be in the delivery room when Spencer was born (we also had adjoining rooms at the hospital); my husband Ryan would cut the umbilical cord; and I would have skin on skin contact first, followed by Ryan and then Leigha. There are different ways to approach the birth so it’s important to all agree upfront. 

Documenting our journey

Once Spencer was born, the night before we flew home to Australia, Leigha gave us a beautiful gift, a scrapbook of our journey together. From the IVF transfer and positive pregnancy result through to Spencer’s birth, it was all in there. It is one of my most cherished gifts and I look forward to the day when we can walk Spencer through this special book, a testament to him. We also gave Leigha a gift; a necklace with Spencer’s initials engraved.  

Without surrogacy, we wouldn’t have our beautiful son. Without surrogacy, tens of thousands of people wouldn’t have their precious children. As for Leigha’s view? She often tells people how surrogacy was a gift for her as well and something she personally got so much out of. A surrogate twice, she says: “I now have two beautiful families that complete my family. One in Spain and one in Australia. They will always be a part of me, and I’m so blessed to have two sisters through motherhood.”

At Wish for a Baby Australia, you’ll meet several surrogacy experts -  and also families going through surrogacy - who will share their insights. I’ll be at the IVF babble booth so please stop by if you have any questions about my journey and gestational surrogacy.

I’d love to talk to you.